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Force Interrupt
Harry P. - Words: 50,190 - Rated: T - English - None - Chapters: 84 - Reviews: 266 - Updated: 11-02-2019 - Published: 30-12-2017 - by Right What Is Wrong (FFN)

"And his knowledge remained woefully incomplete, Harry! That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend. Of house-elves and children's tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."

"Say," said Harry, "your brother said you abandoned your family in favor of chasing after Gellert Grindelwald. What's that about love and loyalty?"

"Never mind Aberforth," Dumbledore said irritably.

"And you dumped your former best friend in solitary confinement for half a century, until he cheerfully welcomed death –"

"Never mind him either."

"And you lied through your teeth to Snape for fifteen years, until you revealed to him at the last minute that the boy he hated but protected out of love and loyalty had been a 'pig for slaughter' from the start–"

"Never mind poor Severus either."

"And I loved you and loyally proclaimed myself 'Dumbledore's man', and all along you'd been planning my death–"

"Never mind you either."

"And who may I mind, sir?"

"Me. I'm talking."


Author's Note: And now for a selection of thoroughly unserious interruptions.


"That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."

"And what is that power, sir?"

"Authorial intervention."


"That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."

"And what is that power, sir?"

"One billion dollars, dear Harry. One billion dollars. One billion dollars say you'll stay alive 'til the end of time – can't have a Harry Potter franchise without Harry Potter, now can we?"


"Of house-elves and children's tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing."

"Sir, can you explain to me what a tale about cursed objects that got one brother murdered and drove another to suicide has to do with 'love, loyalty, and innocence'? Especially since the last one didn't survive because of any of those things, but because he had the brains to realize any deal with Death was sure to wind up badly and asked for the one thing that would let him run away at top speed?"

"I didn't say I understood them, Harry, just that Voldemort also does not."


"That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend."

"Since you're so good at comprehension, sir, can you explain the Fidelius Charm to me?"

Ariana appeared beside them, brandishing a baseball bat. Dumbledore eyed his sister, then smiled warmly at Harry. "Part of wisdom, Harry, is knowing there are some things man is simply not meant to know."


"I guessed. But my guesses have usually been good," said Dumbledore happily, and they sat in silence for what seemed like a long time, while the creature behind them continued to whimper and tremble.

"What is that, sir?"

"Rowling's editor."


"That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend."

"But that's true of me too. I was in school for six years and the most advanced thing I learned was my Patronus – back in third year. Meanwhile, Hermione's somehow learned how to create magical contracts bearing hidden curses against violators, manufacture a Bag of Holding, and Memory Charm away someone's entire life. I think I missed something somewhere."

"Well, Harry, you are the Dark Lord's equal for a reason."


"That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend."

"You mean like fashion sense, sir?"

"I'll have you know my fashion sense is excellent, Harry."

"Then how did you know I was talking about you?"

"Do be quiet."


"Of house-elves and children's tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."

"Wait, House-Elves don't use magic? But then, what do they use?"

"Plotonium."


"Of house-elves and children's tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped."

"What power does Grumble the Grubby Goat have, sir?"

"The power to make me want to smother my little brother after he asked for that story for bedtime reading for the forty-ninth night in a row. I counted."


"A part of his soul was still attached to yours, and, thinking to strengthen himself, he took a part of your mother's sacrifice into himself. If he could only have understood the precise and terrible power of that sacrifice, he would not, perhaps, have dared to touch your blood… But then, if he had been able to understand, he could not be Lord Voldemort, and might never have murdered at all."

"Well, I'm not quite sure I understand. Can you explain it to me, sir?"

"Don't look at me – I'm only not a Dark Lord because my boyfriend's spat with my brother went horribly wrong. Could you explain it to me, Harry?"

"Erm… no?"

"Oh bother. I suppose you are the Dark Lord's equal."


"Having ensured this two-fold connection, having wrapped your destinies together more securely than ever two wizards were joined in history, Voldemort –"

"So this canonizes that the Wizarding world has no gay marriage, then?"

"Well, I would say that all depends on what Jo decides upon in her next interview."


"Your wand now contained the power of your enormous courage and of Voldemort's own deadly skill: What chance did that poor stick of Lucius Malfoy's stand?"

"Sir, these slashfics are getting really weird."

"Oh, you have no idea. Now let me tell you how I attained mastery over Gellert's wand."

"I'm more bothered that the fate of the Wizarding world came down to me grabbing for Draco's wand, myself."


"But if my wand was so powerful, how come Hermione was able to break it?" asked Harry.

"Because at this point, Jo was still shipping R/Hr, and she wanted to convey that the two of you could never have good conjugal relations. It didn't work out too well when she loaned you the use of her wand, either, now did it?"

"But it was fine once I grafted Draco's wand on?"

"The fangirls have wanted you to have mastery of Draco's wand for ages, Harry. Let it not be said that Jo does not indulge her fans."

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