ok ok ok so i was listening to monsoon by hippo campus and this is the product of that and i know the song and this fic dont really have the same meaning at all but still !! (hippo campus is rad by the way 10/10 band i love espo sm) anyway i hope you enjoy! it's a bit different from my usual oneshots but still !! i'm somewhat proud of how it turned out, so i hope you like it :-))
"it should've been me."
harry can feel himself breaking into pieces as draco malfoy screams those words. he stands, numb, as malfoy throws himself into harry's chest, screaming and crying and pounding his fists into skin. it couldn't have been him. it shouldn't have been him.
"i can't do this, i can't do this, it should've been me,"
a choked sob escapes malfoy's lips before he collapses onto harry, exhausted.
harry pulls malfoy close as he cries, looking over the blonde boy's head at the body several feet away on the ground. narcissa malfoy lay dead, staring blankly at the sky, her lips parted ever so slightly.
her wand lay beside her, as if it had clattered to the ground when she was struck with the killing curse. her hand was curled in a loose fist.
a deranged man was being dragged from the great hall by a pair of panicked professors, but harry hardly noticed everyone screaming behind him in the great hall. he only noticed malfoy, falling apart in his arms.
harry blinked back tears and looked down at the blonde boy, only moments ago his enemy.
he didn't seem so scary now.
draco didn't want to move. he couldn't forget the feeling that washed over him when he saw his mother hit the ground. he was so hopeless. who was he without her?
"she can't be gone. potter, please, tell me it's not real. tell me this isn't real. i ITALICIZE swear to god, potter, END ITALICS tell me this isn't fucking real."
draco was freely sobbing into potter's shirt, mumbling the same four words over and over. "it should've been me. it should've been me."
potter pulled draco closer, and draco tensed. this was harry potter, after all, who only moments ago he'd hated.
but he was holding draco now like if he let go, he would fall apart, and suddenly draco didn't mind that ITALICIZE harry fucking potter END ITALICS was hugging him so close.
he refused to go to the funeral. he wouldn't leave the slytherin common room. harry tried to get him to leave, but draco wouldn't move. he cried into the sofa.
"i can't bear it, potter. she can't be gone. i won't let her leave me."
harry sighed and sat down next to malfoy, only pausing briefly to wonder why the hell he was comforting the boy who was supposed to be his nemesis.
malfoy sighed and buried his face into the cushion of the sofa, hiding his face. harry heard muffled sobs issue from the boy.
"she promised she'd never leave me," malfoy whispered, sitting up and turning to look at harry with bloodshot eyes.
harry felt tears brimming in his eyes—why, exactly, he wasn't sure—and blinked to clear them.
draco interrupted him. "just call me draco. you've seen me cry enough times that i suppose we can be on a first-name basis."
harry gave malfoy—no, draco—a weak smile. "okay. draco."
draco blinked to clear his eyes, then wiped them with his sleeve. "mm?"
"will you please come to the funeral?"
"no. forget it, potter, get out. i'm not going. fuck off."
"draco, please, she would have wanted you to go-"
draco stood up suddenly, anger flickering in his eyes. "don't you ITALICIZE dare END ITALICS tell me what my mother would have wanted. you didn't know her, you never did! i was her son. when i lost her i lost ITALICIZE everything END ITALICS. i can't do it. i can't do it, harry. i can't break down in front of everyone. i've lost too much."
harry felt tears welling in his eyes again, but this time he let them fall. draco cried too, falling again into harry's arms.
"what a mess," draco muttered drily, pulling away from harry and blinking. tears stuck to his eyelashes, a detail harry wouldn't have noticed before. he blinked too.
draco buried his head in harry's chest again, breathing heavily. they sat there, holding each other in the slytherin common room, until draco fell asleep on harry's chest.
draco woke some time later, the fire cracking in the common room, his face dangerously close to a sleeping harry's.
he looked so peaceful when he slept—so calm and serene and almost ITALICIZE beautiful END ITALICS.
but that was impossible. harry potter wasn't beautiful. harry potter was, at most, a friend to draco. hardly even that, and definitely nothing more. he ITALICIZE couldn't END ITALICS be more.
draco sat up, trying his best not to disturb the black-haired boy underneath him.
he pulled on his jacket, which lay abandoned on the floor, and left the common room. he needed to clear his head, because he'd just fallen asleep on top of ITALICIZE harry fucking potter END ITALICS.
ITALICZE harry fucking potter END ITALICS.
this couldn't be happening.
harry stirred and woke as draco was walking out of the common room.
"draco? where are you going?"
draco stopped in his tracks and turned to look at harry. he opened his mouth, but only a choked sob came out.
"harry," draco whispered.
harry got off the sofa and walked towards draco, reaching out an arm.
"harry, i can't do this. we can't—i can't do this. we can't be friends,"
his voice broke and he ran out of the common room, leaving a shell-shocked harry staring after him.
draco ran through the hallways of hogwarts, pushing past the few eighth-year students still awake as he made his way to the library.
nobody stopped him and soon he was at the library, blinking away tears. again.
he pushed open the doors to the library, ignoring madam pince's slightly disgruntled greeting. she appeared to have been asleep at her desk, a book lying open next to her.
he made his way to the back of the library and settled in an old leather armchair behind several shelves of dusty tomes. absentmindedly, he pulled a book off one of the shelves and thumbed through the pages. the leather-bound volume was practically falling apart at the seams, but its pages were blank, save for a rather long-winded love note on the first page.
draco pulled out his wand and illuminated the dark area and began to read.
CENTER AND ITALICIZE:
i love you. i love you so much it hurts. thinking about you makes my heart swell, and kissing you feels like flying. i am alive when i am with you. i have devoted myself entirely to you, you are all that matters to me. i can't bear to think of life without you, my love, my one and only, my rock. i will always love you, so much more than you can ever know, and seeing you with another breaks me into millions of pieces, but seeing you happy picks me right back up, because your happiness will always matter more to me than my own. i am devoted to you, forever and always.
END CENTER AND ITALICS
in a fit of emotion, draco ripped the page out of the book and crumpled it in his fist, feeling tears well in his eyes again. this stupid love note had to tip him over the edge. draco thought of harry, of his broken eyes and the pain on his face when he left. he thought of the feelings he was too afraid to acknowledge, the feelings he should be ashamed of. the feelings he should never have for harry, the feelings he shouldn't have for another ITALICIZE man END ITALICS, no matter if he'd had those feelings his whole life. no wonder his father despised him—he was disgusting and pathetic and of course he was fucking crying, crying over this stupid fucking love note and he was so fucking ITALICIZE weak END ITALICS, pathetically weak and soft and he could never come back from this, he was pathetic and a disappointment and ITALICIZE what would his father think, seeing him cry like this END ITALICS?
his father. oh, god, his ITALICIZE father END ITALICS. he must be so disappointed. draco was a pathetic excuse for a son, a disappointment, nothing but a weakness and a burden to the proud malfoy name.
draco gave up. he sobbed, dripping his head into his hands and crying. the crumpled note in his fist dropped to the ground and he let go, tears falling until he couldn't breathe.
he didn't notice when harry came and sat beside him until harry wrapped his arms around him, whispering into his ear.
"draco, draco, please. listen to me."
and draco did. he stopped crying and looked at harry.
but instead of saying anything, harry pulled draco into his arms and held him, and draco finally felt safe.
harry desperately didn't want to ruin this moment, but he couldn't stop himself. without fully thinking it through, he pressed a chaste kiss to the top of draco's blonde head.
he felt draco stiffen and knew immediately he had fucked it up.
draco pulled away from harry and pushed him as he stood up.
"what the fuck, ITALICIZE potter END ITALICS?"
harry winced. "i don't know, i'm sorry-"
"bullshit you're sorry, you stupid fag. get away from me," draco spat, not meeting harry's gaze.
harry blinked and stood up slowly. he had fucked it up, big time. why had he done that? jesus, he was such a fucking idiot.
"okay. i'm sorry, draco."
"right. malfoy. sorry."
harry left the library, hanging his head low.
what had he done?
draco was stewing in his dormitory, avoiding and ignoring anyone who tried to talk to him. he hadn't been to class in weeks. fuck class, anyway—it was his mother's idea for him to return, and now that she was dead, there was no point in trying.
draco fell back onto his bed, his head pounding with a massive headache. he closed his eyes, but before he could stop them, memories washed over him.
he was five. his mother, in a bright green dress, was dancing around the parlor with his father. a crackling record played softly and his parents looked so wonderfully, deeply in love. draco looked on, staring at this wonderful, happy version of his family, and ached for what he used to be.
he was nine and lucius had grown distant, often separating himself from his family and disappearing for weeks on end. draco lay awake in his room and he heard his mother yelling at his father, accusing him of cheating. "you're not the man i used to love. who is she, lucius? and how ITALICIZE dare END ITALICS you leave me and draco alone like this? how am i supposed to trust you?"
then, he was eleven and home for the summer holidays. he sat on the stairs, watching his parents. his father was stressed, yelling at his mother. "i don't know what you don't understand! i've been perfectly clear! you and the boy ITALICIZE are not END ITALICS coming with me on this trip, narcissa!"
he was thirteen and cowering helplessly from behind his mother and his father raged around the parlor, sickeningly drunk. he screamed and threw half-empty bottles of liquor at the walls. "our son is a ITALICIZE faggot END ITALICS, cissy! he's a disgrace!" lucius slurred his words and threw another bottle, this time aiming for draco and his mother. glass shattered by draco's feet and he ran from the room in tears.
he was eighteen and staring at his father, a week after his mother's death. his father didn't seem like his father anymore—he wasn't the man draco used to know. he was a deranged killer, a man who'd broken into hogwarts with one intent. "i don't understand—why did you kill her?" draco nearly whispered, his voice breaking. his father stared back at him behind the bars in his ministry holding cell, a dead look in his eyes. he didn't even flinch when he responded, "i was aiming for you. she just got in the way."
draco was shaken out of his memories by ITALICIZE harry fucking potter END ITALICS. "why weren't you in class?" harry asked, concern in his voice.
draco didn't look at him. "why are you here?"
"i was worried about you."
"we're not ITALICIZE friends END ITALICS, potter, so quit your worrying."
"ITALICIZE malfoy END ITALICS."
"fine, malfoy. i know you're pissed at me, or whatever, but i'm sorry and i want to go back to being friends. your company isn't too terrible, believe it or not."
malfoy sighed and opened his eyes to look at harry. "fine. whatever. as long as you leave me alone."
"i don't think leaving you alone is the best idea right now," harry pointed out.
malfoy sighed. "fine. whatever. i don't care."
so harry sat down, and malfoy buried his face in his pillow and tried to ignore the boy next to him.
harry knew his friends thought he was crazy—but so did the rest of the wizarding world, after the war. ron and hermione were trying to understand why on earth harry had decided to just stop hating draco, but they just couldn't wrap their minds around it. harry didn't really mind.
he liked spending time with draco, which scared him a little. the way he'd so quickly attached himself to the blonde was honestly a little overwhelming to harry.
harry was mostly afraid of the way he'd felt when he'd kissed malfoy's head, though. it felt right, like he and malfoy were designed especially for each other.
which couldn't be right. because harry was straight. and he couldn't be falling in love with that blonde boy. it was impossible.
exams made draco want to fling himself off the astronomy tower. he didn't understand a thing on the tests, probably because he had missed so much class.
"i don't understand a thing, potter." draco muttered, knocking back his third butterbeer after a particularly long day of exams.
harry smiled at draco, sipping his own firewhiskey. "yes, draco, we've established this,"
draco laughed, but when harry looked at him, he blushed and looked away.
before he thought better of it, he opened his mouth and those three fateful words fell off his tongue.
"i love you."
harry blinked. "you what?"
draco's eyes widened. "fuck. did i just say that out loud?"
harry nodded slowly, and draco panicked. he stood up, pushed out his chair, and ran out of the three broomsticks without leaving a tip.
harry swore and fumbled in his pockets for enough money to cover the bill, then dashed out after draco.
the blonde was sitting on a bench several storefronts down, staring at his hands.
harry sat next to the boy. "you know, we really need to stop doing this. you know, running out on each other,"
draco smiled weakly at harry, a blush spreading over his face again.
"did you mean it?" harry asked quietly after a moment.
draco exhaled slowly and nodded. "uh, yeah. i do. love you, that is,"
harry shifted to look at draco. he smiled. "well, if it makes you feel better, i love you, too."
draco could feel his heart beating, faster and faster and faster and then he turned to look at harry and their lips met and draco ITALICIZE melted END ITALICS.
he reached up and tangled his hands in harry's hair and harry moaned quietly and ITALICIZE oh, god END ITALICS.
this was perfect.
harry lay next to draco, his face in the crook of draco's neck. draco played with a few strands of harry's hair.
harry smiled softly and sighed, content.
"please don't leave me. please don't leave me like everyone else."
harry propped himself up on one arm and looked at the blonde boy, adoration in his eyes, because who cares if he's a boy? being with draco felt right, and that was what mattered to harry.
so he pressed a soft kiss to draco's lips, and when they broke apart, he whispered, "never."
so yeah, that's the fic! i hope you enjoyed :-) it's a little bit different from the stuff i normally write (and it's also a tad bit longer! 3k words versus my usual 1k), but i'm proud of it nonetheless and i really hope you liked it! thank you heaps for reading, love ya 3