This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need
Heaven / Troye Sivan
I looked up to meet my own dark eyes in the dirty mirror. My throat felt like it was closing up, making it difficult to breathe. This wasn't a new feeling. No, I had felt this a dozen times before. But for some reason, this time was far worse.
Get it together, I thought to myself, but the weight in my chest only grew heavier. But I had been trying to keep it together for years, trying to silence this voice inside my head that had been eating at me. So far, I had done a fairly good job of it. Nobody knew my big secret and I intended to keep it that way.
You're best friends, I reminded myself for the thousandth time. But that wasn't a reminder that I needed. This was something that I knew well. Hell, if it weren't for this friendship, I might not even be standing here right now. Surely I couldn't give that up. I quite literally couldn't live without it.
I could see those eyes vividly, the pained look that he had always given me burned into my mind. Somehow, he always seemed to know when something was bothering me and always knew exactly what to say to make it all fade away. Or perhaps it had nothing to do with what he said at all. It was just him. The sound of his voice was all that it took to calm me down.
The longer that I stared at my own reflection, the harder it was to fight against it. My grip on either side of the bathroom sink was growing tighter as I tried to pull myself back into reality. "Take a deep breath and count to fifteen," he had once told me when I was feeling particularly anxious and self-destructive, his voice steady and calming. I distinctly remembered rolling my eyes and making some snide remark at the time, but little did he know, I had been using this technique to calm myself down whenever he wasn't around.
"One… two… three…" I said to myself in a low whisper, still staring at myself in the mirror and trying to drown out the screaming voices inside of my head, but they only managed to scream louder.
It's disgusting, the loudest one told me, you're disgusting.
Face it, said a second one, you love him.
But he'll never love you back, a third voice said definitively.
That voice, rather unfortunately, I knew was right. Even if I did admit that I was in love with him, he would never reciprocate my feelings. For as long as I had known him, he had been an infamous player among all of the students. He would constantly be jumping from girl to girl without any sign of attachment. There was no way that he would have any interest in someone like me.
"Four… Five… Six…" I continued, taking a deep breath with each passing number.
I pushed back from the sink and began to pace the length of the bathroom, unable to look at my own face any longer. I tried to focus on the steady sound of my footsteps on the tile floor, but that wasn't enough to get him out of my head.
Even if he did reciprocate the way that I felt, I just knew that his family wouldn't approve in the slightest. They were all about status and keeping up appearances. They would never approve of their son being with a guy like me. Sure my mother had money, but without a father around to represent the family name, it didn't carry the same prestige that his did. They hardly approved of us being friends at all.
But wealthy or otherwise, they probably wouldn't approve with him being with a guy at all.
"Seven… Eight… Nine…" I said beneath my breath.
The thought of my mother stung my mind. I remembered the first time that I became aware that being with another guy was even an option. My mother and I were walking through Diagon Alley just before my first year at Hogwarts when I saw two wizards a few feet in front of us.
"Mum, why are they holding hands?" I remembered asking.
I could still feel her firm grip on my shoulder as she steered me through the crowds, "Don't mind them, Blaise," she had told me with a disapproving look on her face, "they shouldn't be doing that in public."
I thought about those two wizards a lot. Why was it so wrong for them to be happy? It just didn't make sense to me. That memory made a sudden anger stir inside of me, causing my pacing to cease.
"Ten… Eleven… Twelve…" I muttered to myself through clenched teeth as I stopped dead in my tracks. This stupid counting wasn't working. I did not feel any calmer than before. I felt so much worse.
I glanced back towards the mirror as a cocktail of emotions came over my entire being: frustration, anger, confusion…
What happened next was all a blur. The next thing that I knew, the mirror was in pieces and a stream of blood ran down my arm.
"Blaise!" I heard his voice yell from the dormitory. I vaguely remembered his figure laying on his bed with a book in his hand as I marched to the bathroom in a frenzy. I had completely ignored him. Looking at his face hurt too much to bare.
But then there he was. He appeared in the doorway, a wild look of worry in his pale eyes. "Blaise, what the hell-"
"Draco," I said, my voice breaking.
Thirteen… Fourteen… Fifteen…
I couldn't hold it back anymore. Seeing him standing there within arm's reach was torture to my torn heart that I could no longer silence.
Without a second thought, I reached a hand forward and grabbed him by the front of his robes, kissing him.
Thanks so much for reading! I hope you liked it. I'm thinking of possibly turning this into a real story, so don't forget to leave a review and tell me what you think :)