An Easier Ending to City of Heavenly Fire

Just starting out, so I thought I'd start small. I didn't much like the end of CoHF, so I've tried to simplify it. Also cut one or two of the bits I didn't care for. Tried to do it in original style. First bit is here. Please read and review, be honest, if it isn't worth my time I want to know. Rated T because I rate everything T. No point reading it if you aren't on the site.