Will I Survive Academy?

What would you do if you were locked in a classroom with a Machiavellian schemer for a "teacher", a British MI5 agent, a crazed Jashinist, a murder-intent Gaara, three girls who carry knives to protect themselves and lastly, the Self-Insert who has to somehow be involved in this INSANITY? "I need serious help." AU. Crack fic. Highschool fic. Two-Shot.