Oh, Harry

The Barrage of Fruit

Chapter 9: The Barrage of Fruit

AN: I'm back (Sorry it took so long)

Friendly reminder that Harry's second year takes place from 1992-1993. If that's incorrect (and yes, I did Google it… a while ago) then please complain at me.

"Mrow."

Wide-eyed, Harry slowly backed away from Mrs Norris, who was standing menacingly in the middle of the corridor. The boy nervously edged around a corner, and then broke into a wild sprint the moment he was out of sight. Looking around wildly, Harry dug into his school bag and pulled out a screwdriver. Harry dropped to the floor and began working at a metal cover that was in the corner of a hallway.

"I said I wouldn't–damn it–I said I wouldn't vent again, but fuck it I guess." In the back of Harry's mind, he could hear Hermione telling him off for using profanity, but the Boy-Who-Lived was too busy diving into the narrow chute to care.

In the now empty corridor, a confused cat shook its head, and transformed into Professor McGonagall. With a sigh, the badass Scottish woman walked off.

"Drills, drills, drills people! Potter, you're not coming off that broom until you catch that snitch seven and a half times, understood?"

Wood had been drilling his team harder than ever in preparation for the first match against Slytherin, and while the strain was beginning to show on the Gryffindor players, so were results of their hard work. There had been a few close calls with Filch and the Professors, due to how late the team would practice, but now, a few days before the match against Slytherin, the Gryffindor players were a well oiled machine, working together in smooth harmony.

Well, as smoothly as anything containing Harry and the Weasley twins ever could be.

Attacking the younger boy from behind, Fred and George scooped Harry off of his broom, grabbing one arm each. Ignoring his struggles and outrage, they soared away and began to proudly sing in harmony—

"We could show you the world…"

"Guys, that movie literally came out yesterday. How on earth have you seen it already?!" Harry complained, still dangling between the two Weasleys.

Indeed, it was only November 12th.

"WEASELY!" roared Wood from the goal posts.

The crowd was buzzing with excitement, and the stands of the quidditch field were packed with students awaiting the start of the first game. The Gryffindors and Slytherins were already screaming at each other from opposite ends of the pitch, as were some of the Ravenclaws for no discernable reason.

At the top of the commentator tower, Lee Jordan stumbled into the box, swayed around a disapproving McGonagall and flopped heavily into the seat in front of the megaphone. Jordan rapped his knuckles against the sonorous device, broadcasting a staticky thumping to the stands.

"Testing, testing is this thing plugged in?" Lee's voice sounded sleepy and meandering.

"Enough of this already," said an irate Professor McGonagall. "Jordan, wake yourself up!" She brandished her wand, "Aguamenti!"

"ARGH!" shouted Lee, getting moderately drowned and receiving scattered laughter for his pain. "Alright, alright professor, I'm awake already."

"Then you would do well to get started Mr Jordan," said Professor McGonagall snidely. "I have no desire to wait here until midday for the match to actually begin."

Lee Jordan drew in a deep breath, burped, and cleared his throat.

"WELCOME, WELCOME HOGWARTS, TO THE THIRD-" another burp "-FIRST QUIDINGLE MATCH OF THE YEAR!" In addition to possibly still being half asleep, Lee's words were heavily slurred.

McGonagall audibly sighed.

"STARTING OFF TODAY? IT'S 'DEM FUCKIN' SNAKES, MAN-"

"JORDAN!"

"Ah shit, sorry Professor, IT'S THE GALLINGLY GREEN GOWNED, UH, SLATHER…INS!

The Slytherin students were already loudly booing Lee Jordan, which he either easily ignored or was to far gone to even notice,

AND NOW THE WAKEY-SNAKEY LINEUP! FIRST UP, THEIR CAPTAIN OF LARGE MUSCLES AND SMALL BRAINS, MARCUS FLINT!"

Flint flew out onto the field, middle finger brandished towards the commentator box.

In the Gryffindor locker room, Fred and George Weasely were falling over each other laughing as Lee Jordan continued to introduce the Slytherin team in similarly insulting ways.

"LAST AND PROBABLY LEAST, IT'S THE RICH BRAT HIMSELF, DRACONIC FAIRY!"

The incorrectly named Draco Malfoy shot into the air, scowling heavily at Lee.

"YEAH YEAH, NOW EVERYBODY IT IS TIME FOR YOUR SOON-TO-BE VICTORS! CLOAKED IN A SHIMMERING, SEXY SHEET OF RED AND GOLD, THIS PERFECTLY SEASONED DISH WILL LEAVE YOUR MOUTH WATERING AND YOUR STOMACH SCREAMING FOR MORE. STUDENTS AND STAFF OF HOGWARTS; THEY ROAR, THEY SOAR, THEY KICK ASS AND DO IT THE BEST, IT'S YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD SPIDERMAN!"

The stands all fell silent. Professor McGonagall's mouth was hanging wide open. "Mr Jordan, what in the name of–"

"PRESENTING: GRYFFINDOR! FIRST UP: IT'S THE BORDERLINE INSANE CAPTAIN WHO'S EVEN HARDER ON HIS TEAM THAN AN ACTUAL CLUB COULD BE, IT'S OLIVER WOOD!"

Letting out a chuckle, Wood flew out over the field, pumping his fist to the cheers of the red-robed supporters.

"NEXT UP FOLKS, IT'S YOUR GRYFFINDOR CHASERS. THESE ARE THE GIRLS THAT WILL BE DRAWING YOUR EYE ALL MATCH. THEY CAN STEAL HEARTS JUST AS EASILY AS THEY STEAL QUAFFLES, AND WILL SCORE WITH BEAUTY AND GRACE THAT WILL HELP ME FORGET THAT I'LL BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE, IT IS: ANGELINA JOHNSON! ALICIA SPINNET! AAAANNDD, KATIE BELL!

Angelina and Alicia both took off with looks of disapproval, but Katie was laughing as she followed her teammates into the air.

"THE BOISTEROUS BEATERS, EASILY MORE DANGEROUS THAN A PAIR OF BLUDGERS COULD EVER BE! I GIVE YOU- THE TERRIBLE TWO, FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY!"

The twins whooped together as they flew out onto the pitch, slamming their Beater bats together to cheering from the Gryffindor stands.

"AND, FINALLY FOLKS! HE WAS ROOKIE OF THE YEAR LAST YEAR, FAMOUS ACROSS THE WORLD FOR SOMETHING HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER. LADIES, GENTS, NON-BINARIES AND THOSE ON THE FENCE, I GIVE YOU: HARRY POTTER!"

Harry zoomed out into the air, his ears instantly being assaulted by the screams coming from the scarlet-clad Gryffindor supporters. He immediately caught sight of Ron, who was being levitated a few metres above the stands by Hermione. Ron waved furiously at Harry, then seemed to slip (on what, Harry had no idea) and fell into the crowd. Hermione facepalmed with intense exasperation.

Laughing to himself, Harry soared upwards, flipping upside down and executing a large loop-de-loop. He joined the rest of the players in the centre of the field, and immediately got caught up in a staring contest against Draco Malfoy.

In the Gryffindor section on the stands, Ron had made his way back to Hermione, and they were watching the field with intense excitement and moderate anticipation, respectively. Madame Hooch strutted out onto the field carrying her broom in one hand and the case of Quidditch balls in the other. Arriving in the middle of pitch, she dropped the case and began speaking to the captains, Flint and Wood.

"In the middle of the field you can witness in real time Madame House reminding Mr Flintlock that this is in fact a Quidditch match and not an MMA cage fight," Lee Jordan narrated in quieter tones.

"Jordan! That is quite enough–"

Madame Hooch's piercing whistle cut off the impending lecture from a certain Professor.

"THE GAME HAS BEGUN! IT'S GRAHAM MONTAGUE TO THE QUAFFLE FIRST, FLYING ON ONE OF THOSE BRAND SPANKIN' NEW NIMBUS TWO THOUSAND AND ONE'S, THE FASTEST BROOM ON THE MARKET—AND IT'S BEEN INTERCEPTED BY A DARING MOVE FROM ALICIA SPINNET! NO BLAME THERE MONTAGUE, I KNOW I'D LET HER RUN ME OVER WITH A BROOM TOO!

The battle between the two teams was truly vicious. The Gryffindor chasers were performing at the top of their game, both individually and together. As Harry watched from above, they neatly scored twice in back-to-back attempts, assisted by a dual bludger attack the Weasley twins launched on the Slytherin Keeper. Malfoy brake checked Harry mid-air, forcing him to powerslide his Nimbus 2000 to avoid the blond. Flint blasted around the pitch fouling everyone and everything and only getting caught a few times. Lee Jordan was very vocal about his displeasure.

"...ANOTHER BLATANT OBSTRUCTION TO JUSTICE, THAT ABSOLUTE FUCKING FRAUD OF A PLAYER HAS NEARLY BEHEADED HALF OF THE GRYFFINDOR CHASERS! I THINK HOOCH NEEDS TO GET HER EYES CHECKED AFTER NOT SEEING THAT ONE!"

"THAT'S IT JORDAN, YOU'RE DONE!" Even though she wasn't yelling directly into the megaphone, McGonagall's voice was coming through just as loud. "NO MORE PROFANITY AND NO MORE VULGAR BIAS OR YOU'RE OUT OF A JOB!"

"OH COME ON PROFESSOR, PROFANITY? I WOULD NEVER! I'M NOT THAT DRUNK!"

"YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING JORDAN?!" McGonagall screeched.

"OH SHIT HERE SHE COMES!" cried Lee.

A small explosion followed by a lot of crashing was heard. Mustard yellow smoke escaped out of the top of the commentator box.

Lee hacked out a few coughs. "What the hell…"

"Hello there," a dreamy voice floated into the megaphone. "I've come to help you commentate.

"Oh thanks, McGonagall was about to kick my-" Lee coughed again. "Anyways, shall we get back to it?"

"Certainly." Harry was nearly certain he recognized this new voice, but he couldn't quite place it. Thoughts on Lee's new partner flew out of his mind as a bludger hurled towards his face.

"SPECTATORS OF THIS QUIDDITCH MATCH, I GIVE YOU YOUR NEW CO-COMMENTATOR OF THE MATCH. SHE IS OF SMALL STATURE BUT LARGE BOOM-BOOMS, LUNA LOVEGOOD!"

"Hello everyone, pleasure to be up here."

"INDEED IT IS!" roared Lee joyously. "NOW, WHAT HAVE WE MISSED LUNA?"

"Madame Hooch has put her contacts in, the score is currently 50-40 in Slytherin's favour, and Harry Potter is looking remarkably Wrackspurt free today! Look at him narrowly dodging that bludger!"

"ASTUTE OBSERVATION! OH LOOK, THE BLUDGER'S COMING AROUND FOR SECONDS. THAT'S ODD, THEY USUALLY DON'T TURN AROUND LIKE THAT!"

High in the air, Harry was having the same, albeit more panicked confusion as he sped away from the projectile. Despite his sharp turns, which normally would easily throw off a bludger, this one just kept coming at him. Harry aimed for the Gryffindor goal posts and Rocketed across the field, where Warrington and Flint were about to make another attempt at scoring on Wood. As the Slytherins passed the Quaffle back and forth Harry arced down into a steep dive, the wayward Bludger hot on his tail. At the last moment, Warrington glanced up.

"Look out!" the boy cried, veering away from the forgotten Quaffle.

"Ahhh!" Flint screamed. The Bludger clipped him at full speed and he cartwheeled out of control into a collision.

"OH, AND FLINT JUST CLOTHESLINED HIMSELF STRAIGHT INTO THE SLYTHERIN GOALPOSTS! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALING MY CUPCAKE LAST TUESDAY YOU LIMP VEGETABLE PIECE OF SHIT!"

"I disagree with Brussels sprouts on a moral basis," Luna Lovegood said thoughtfully.

Harry pulled up desperately to avoid crashing. His toes skimmed the grass as he shot across the pitch and past Colin Creevey, who took a picture with a heavily modified camera that gave off a loud bang and a burst of multicoloured smoke. Harry glanced over his shoulder to see the Bludger screaming towards him, and Colin diving to the side.

The rogue Bludger burst through the cloud of colourful smoke that Colin's camera was spewing. The projectile abruptly swerved to a stop, and all who watched saw it rapidly deform and expand in size. The transformation made several people rather nauseous. Suddenly, as abruptly as it had stopped moving, the malformed Bludger exploded into a dizzying assortment of fruit, all of which pelted with deadly intent at Harry Potter. Why him? Because Death is a cynic, Destiny is a bitch, and Fate is a tease. Albert Einstein once said "God doesn't play dice," but then the scientist threw down his own dice and they told him to fuck off.

"It appears that Harry is now being chased by fruit," Luna Lovegood said thoughtfully into the megaphone as Harry executed what appeared to be a midair pirouette in order to dodge a barrage of mangos.

As the game wore on for the next half hour, the Gryffindors appeared to be seriously flagging. Harry was in constant frantic motion in order to evade the pineapple projectiles and mango missiles, and could barely spare a moment to search for the Snitch. Fred and George were distracted with trying to give Harry any protection possible, as ineffectual as their attempts ended up being. With barely any protection from the remaining Bludger, the Gryffindor Chasers suffered greatly.

"And Slytherin has scored. Again." Luna Lovegood was still commentating with her usual distracted tone. "The score is one-hundred to Slytherin, sixty to Gryffindor, there's a cloud in the sky that looks like a kitty, and Lee Jordan is currently sobbing on the floor."

The crowd suddenly gasped. From one of the top boxes, a figure had floated out into the middle of the pitch, fifty feet above the ground and not even supported by a broom. By the long, white beard and the horrid taste in robes, the man was instantly recognisable as Professor Dumbledore. As Harry shot by, still being trailed by bloodthirsty fruits, Dumbledore reached out and snatched a pineapple. He regarded it carefully, then began to rotate. Legs folded into a meditative pose, the Headmaster spun faster and faster, until he was a only a blur of motion above the field. Dumbledore flashed gold, and so bright was the light that everyone was blinded for a moment.

Professor Dumbledore had transformed into the King Pineapple. All of the fruit chasing Harry came to a sudden stop, then began gravitating toward their King. Harry sighed in relief.

"Suddenly, pineapples," muttered Luna, as the smaller fruit fell into an orbit around the Headmaster/Pineapple abnormality. The fruits bobbed up in down in what appeared to be devoted bowing.

Spying something gold across the pitch, Harry shot off with as much speed as he could muster.

Somewhere down in the stands, someone called out a "One, two, three!"

The Hufflepuff section all started singing "If you like Piña Colada!" Whilst sashaying on top of the seats.

Harry angled his broom upwards, the wind ripping through his hair and robes, a feeling of elation rising in his chest.

Lee Jordan groaned. "I could really use another drink."

Thirty feet above his target, Harry went into a dive.

"The moonshine obulorbus I keep stocked excretes a fantastic serum, I'll let you have a sip after the match," Luna assured Lee.

"Hey, asshat!" Harry yelled down at Malfoy, whom he was rapidly approaching. "How did you not notice that the Snitch was nesting in your fucking hair?!"

From the stands, Hermione shouted something about profanity.

Draco Malfoy looked up. He saw Harry Potter rocketing down towards him with one hand outstretched and a devil-may-care grin spread across his face.

Draco Malfoy screamed.

Just before the seemingly inevitable collision, Harry executed a barrel roll whilst stretching his entire upper body away from his Nimbus Two-Thousand. His fingers raked through the blond, heavily gelled hair of Malfoy, and closed around the small golden orb that he sought after.

Harry pulled up out of his dive and pumped his fist into the air. "YES!" He exclaimed, showing off the Snitch and several locks of Malfoy hair enveloped in his grip.

However in the midst of his elation, the Boy-Who-Lived did not notice that a single fruit broke away from the orbit in the centre of the field. Nor did he notice it accelerating with viscous intent towards him

The coconut cosplaying as a bullet hit Harry straight in the ribs, launching him into an ugly, broomless cartwheel from fifteen feet up.

Harry hit the ground, hard. A loud snap accompanied his impact.

"SNAP BACK TO REALITY!" screamed Lee.

"OH, THERE GOES GRAVITY!" Luna screamed back.

"THAT SONG WON'T BE WRITTEN FOR ANOTHER DECADE YOU IDIOTS!" Ron shouted from the stands.

"Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!" Harry exclaimed, staring at his leg. His left shin appeared to be attempting to fold itself in half. You see, Harry had broken his leg.

The rest of the Gryffindor team landed around Harry as people streamed onto the field.

"You did it, Harry!" Wood was ecstatic. "You damn well nearly died, but you fucking did it!"

Angelina Johnson smacked Wood on the shoulder, glaring. "Watch yourself Wood. He's twelve and he just broke his leg!" She glanced back down and smiled. "Great job Harry, we all think you did excellently."

Harry groaned.

"Yeah Harry!" George and Fred cheered. "Who won it? You did! Who won it? The Boy-Who-Lived!"

Professor Lockhart ran up to the group. "Tisk, tisk," he said, shaking his head. "That's quite the break my boy." Lockhart dropped to a knee, examining Harry's arm. "If you all would give me just a moment, I can get this fixed, good as new!"

"No, Professor, I'd really rather you didn't." Harry leaned away from the man. "Madam Pomphrey's the best with this sort of thing, I think we should wait for her to get here."

"Nonsense!" Lockhart said cheerfully, grabbing Harry's arm and completely ignoring his obviously broken leg. "I'll have your arm fixed in a jiffy, and you won't even need Pomona to do a diagnostic on you, I shouldn't think!"

"Professor, there is nothing wrong with my arm! Please just go-"

"What's going on?" said an out-of-breath Hermione, who had just arrived with Ron.

"Lockhart's trying to do something to my arm when it's my leg that's broken!" Harry cried, outrage evident in his voice.

Lockhart sneakily withdrew his wand.

"Be polite, Harry, it's Professor Lockhart. And I'm sure whatever he's doing is for the best."

"Well, I'm sure it's not!" Harry yelled.

But Lockhart was already tracing an invisible star above Harry's arm with his wand. Murmuring a spell under his breath, he swooshed his wand in a quick circle that connected the five points of the star.

Harry watched his arm slump into a formless flesh-sleeve, and he nearly threw up. Everybody started yelling, but he just closed his eyes, suddenly feeling very dizzy. The commotion around him grew as he put his head back, laying flat on the ground and squeezing his eyes shut tight.

"Move! Move, I said!" It was Madam Pomphrey's comforting authoritarian voice. Harry felt a spark of hope and cracked an eyelid to look at her.

Pomphrey waved her wand over the prone boy, in what was recognizably a health diagnostic spell. She looked down at the broken leg.

"This may hurt, Potter," was the only warning he got before she snapped her wand at his shin in a manner reminiscent of cracking a whip.

Harry's bone violently jumped back to one piece. His swear, "HOLY MOTHER OF–" was cut off by Hermione's hand over his mouth.

Leg throbbing with pain and arm feeling alien, Harry only dimly saw Madam Pomphrey yelling at Lockhart. The very corner of his mind caught the word "Skele Gro," before the world went black.

Hermione, Ron, and the conscious members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team watched Harry's inert figure laying in the hospital bed. Madam Pomphrey had levitated him from the field on a conjured stretcher and was now casting medical spells and magically feeding potions into his unconscious body.

Hermione wrung her hands nervously as the matronly woman finally stepped away from the sleeping Seeker.

Madam Pomphrey sighed. "He'll be alright, but he's already out for the count. Go on now, you lot can congratulate him tomorrow." She shooed the group out of the Hospital Wing.

"We'll throw a killer party in your honour, Harry!" Fred called quietly before the door was slammed in his face.

Several hours later, after even the most hardcore Gryffindor partiers had gone to bed, Trevor the toad awoke. He hopped onto Neville's bedside table and stuck his head in the air. Trevor sniffed. He hopped down, crossed the dormitory, and leaped up to a windowsill. The adventurous toad nudged the window open and sniffed again. Trevor shook himself all over. His bowtie senses were a-tingling. Something was afoot in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The brave toad steeled his nerves.

Trevor jumped off of Gryffindor Tower.

/\/-O-\/\

Three invisible second-years crept into the Hospital Wing. They carefully manuevered around the beds and carts, and silently slipped behind the curtain that hid the only occupied bed.

Harry ripped off his Invisibility Cloak. Him, Ron, and Hermione stared wide-eyed at the frozen Colin Creevey. It was rather disconcerting to be in the younger boys presence and not be subject to unceasing chatter, but Harry was willing to take a silver lining wherever he could find one.

"And they're using some really powerful cooling charms to make sure he doesn't melt…" Hermione murmured to herself, rubbing her hands together to keep them warm.

Ron peered intently at Colin. "Merlin's dirty trousers, he really has been turned into a white chocolate statue!"

"I know," said Harry with a grimace. "Isn't it disgusting?"

AN: Here's the chapter folks! Sorry it took so long, I was expecting summer to be a time where I could bang out several chapters but I instead was hit with an incredible lack of inspiration. Perhaps once school starts up, I will be able to use procrastination as fuel to write.

I keep imagining Quidditch scenes happening to the song "Danger Zone," you know, the one that was in Top Gun. But for some reason, in my head it's Axl Rose singing, the lead singer for Guns 'n' Roses. This random information may be a sneek -peak into future quidditch scenes. *shrugs*

If you're enjoying this, I would love the feedback. Also, any random shit happening in your life or ideas related to HP, feel free to tell me about it. No guarantees requests will be implemented, but I appreciate the inspiration that could take root (as it has before, thanks guys).

Quite obviously, this whole story is being written for fun, for the sake of it existing, and because I felt like the HP quality crack department was lacking a bit. While I would love to publish perfectly thought-out chapters every time, I'm not really geared for that type of commitment. Maybe in the future, I'll go for it (anybody interested in a really confusing time-travel setting?), but for now, the quality of chapters may vary.

THAT BEING SAID: if there's ever a chapter that you feel doesn't meet the standards set by the others, please let me know. I want this to be fun and readable. Anyways, hope y'alls summers are going well, or if you live in the Southern Hemisphere, maybe touch some snow for me. Until next time.