Distressed Demo-work Critique Greatly Requested!

Author: Neko. the first set of chapters, 5, for an in-progress Kisa-Saku Story. Warning: there may be a LONG time until updates. requesting serious comments and reviews. M for proper reasons. if your one of the select few i sent the actual request to read and comment on this, then im greatly awaiting your response. to those who will critique it: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.