Pansy Almost Feels Christmas

Please know, gentle reader, that this is a holiday-themed spinoff from my cracked story "All's Well That Ends Well," and before you point out the myriad canon conundrums and general offensiveness, the end of that hot mess is where I begin here, so if you are an orderly sort of person, read that first. Regardless, I hope we can still be friends. Sorry JKR!