Dumbledore is shot nine times, Harry clings on to the Hogwarts Express Train with a golden cauldron in his free hand, and Ron is referred to as "Harvey". Welcome to the world of bad fanfiction authors.

Harry Potter finally awakes in 1998, after spending eight years in a coma. His glasses are there, folded carefully and perched on the edge of his bedside table. This is Harry's first clue that something is amiss, because as well as the rust that is beginning to gather in the hinges of his glasses and the dust that has settled deep-set into their frames, there is the sellotape.

Jeremy Cribbings just wants the ruddy Starship to get to New Earth before anyone manages to die of old age, and to be fair, he's more than a little bit close to that. But the Starship tried for New Earth and it missed, so now they're stuck aboard the Starship as it makes its 8-year-too-long maiden voyage.. until the Doctor shows up, and they spontaneously crash onto another planet.