Lord Voldemort is a business tycoon with a taste for lattes. With the help of Lucius Malfoy, he goes on a quest to find the perfect assistant's assistant: but is there really such a thing? Mass hilarity may ensue.

Hermione's gone insane... she has some kind of disease that involves her and every quidditch player ever to pass through the halls of Hogwarts! Harry wants to know what's wrong with his friend... and what does Malfoy have to do with it?