The Story of Why Arthur Kirkland Sucks At Cooking

"Gather 'round, children. I, Alfred F. Jones, am going to tell you a wonderful tale. This is the thrilling, epic, and tragic story of how it came to be that Arthur 'Artie Fartie' Iggnatus Azalea Eyebrows Kirkland came to be so terrible at cooking absolutely everything and anything. A family classic that all are sure to enjoy!" (Rated T for language and somewhat gross imagery.)