Dark Humor

Chapter 50

Problems With the Projector

A/N: the idea for this came to me one afternoon at the visitor center when I heard a woman walk past and say, "Matthew! Our projector took a dump on the floor of the theater again." I remembered the projector Snape used in PoA when he was showing a slideshow to the class, and this is what followed.


Professor Quirrell was in a tizzy as he searched the halls of Hogwarts for Processor Snape. He'd been showing an educational film to the students in his class when suddenly the projector broke. He had no clue how to repair it, and had gone in search of Severus in hopes he could assist in the matter.

He found the Potions Master in the teacher's lounge enjoying a cup of peach tea while reading the paper. "Se-Severus," he stammered, wringing his hands as he approached the dark man. "I-I have bit of a p-problem and am in need of your assistance."

Severus lowered the paper, frowning at the stuttering Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. "What is it now, Quirrell?" he snapped, his curt tone indicating that wanted to be left alone right now.

"I-I'm afraid the p-projector has ta-taken a dump on the floor again, Severus. I don't know how to fix it. C-can you h-h-help me?"

Severus rolled his eyes. He had no clue why Dumbledore had decided to hire this incompetent nitiwit. "Fine," he said, setting aside his cup and paper. His flowing robs billowed out behind him as he pushed past Quirell and headed for the door. He wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so he could get back to his paper.

"You couldn't handle one simple machine defecating on floor, Quirrell?" Severus queried, the anxious professor running to keep up with him. "Are you truly incapable of casting a basic Reparo charm?"

"I'm afraid it's n-not that simple, S-S-Severus," Quirrell insisted.

"Not that simple?" What could have happened to complicate the situation to the point where a simple Reparo charm wouldn't fix the problem?

As he approached the classroom, the door flew open and Draco came storming out into the hall.

"Wait till my father hears about this!" the blond boy ranted. "Projector taking a dump on the floor indeed. This school is a disaster. Faulty equipment, projector spewing its crap all over the floor - " He stopped abruptly when he almost ran right into Professor Snape. He looked up at the dark man, transfixed by Severus' dark stare.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Malfoy?" Severus asked.

Draco hesitated for a fraction of a second before continuing his rant. "No more than usual, sir." He bit out the last word with a bit too much attitude for Snape's liking. But since this was a student from his own house, Severus decided to let it slide.

The Potions Master was just about to continue on his way when Harry Potter came running up to him.

"Don't worry!" the Chosen One cried in an overly dramatic fashion. "I'll save everyone from the pile of projector poo on the floor!"

"Mr. Potter, kindly remove yourself from my presence and let me handle the situation," said Snape, glaring at the Potter boy. He was in no mood to watch Harry play hero and try to save everyone just because there were some technical issues in the projection room.

The Chosen One quailed under the professor's fierce gaze, and quietly scurried off while Draco pointed at him and laughed.

Severus approached the classroom door, and was just about to open it when suddenly the door burst open and out ran Bellatrix, laughing and trailing strips of film from the broken projector. The film was wrapped around her waist, slung over her shoulder, and tangled in her hair. She kept right on laughing like a maniac, ran down the hall and disappeared around the corner.

After pausing for a minute and wondering what on earth was Bellatrix doing in Hogwarts, Severus continued on his way and finally made it to the projection room at the back of the class. And there was Scabior and Violet in a passionate embrace, kissing and pawing all over each other, with most of their clothes on their floor.

It turned out that Scabior's scarf had gotten caught in the projector, and that was what had caused it to jam and spew its guts all over the floor. The Snatcher didn't even realize that his scarf had gotten stuck until the door open and he had Violet were startled as Severus entered the room.

"What are you doing in here?" demanded Severus, looking from the half naked Snatcher to the mess of film on the floor.

Violet quickly grabbed Scabior's jacket and used it to cover her nearly naked form.

"Wha does it look like we're doing?" Scabior snapped. "We were trying to find some privacy in 'ere." He then looked over and noticed his plaid scarf that was caught in the projector. "Sorry about tha. I guess we er...didn't notice." He grinned at Severus. "Looks like the projector 'as taken a mighty big crap on the floor there, Severus. But no worries. I'll 'ave it fixed in a jiffy."