Being a Dark Lord is tiring; just ask Lord Voldemort. When his minions- erm, followers fail yet another simplistic mission involving Dunkin' Donuts, Voldie feels as though his totally awesome quest for blood purification/world domination is doomed. An old friend convinces him to retire, yes, that sounds wonderful. But who will carry out his work?... An heir! crack!fic. COMPLETE!
Harry is a drug dealer, Hermione is an alcoholic, Dumbledore is a terrorist, Snape has anger issues, and Ron might be pregnant! Has Hogwarts gone crazy?
Lucius Malfoy loves his "Pimp Cane", and will do anything, and I mean anything to keep it safe from harm's way. *edited as of 5/18/2013*